The boy...

Your sticking in my mind and I can't explain it.

Jesus is my number one. He is my sole purpose for living. The status of my ministry or my purpose (aka. relationship with Jesus) for which I live has little to do with my earthly relationships, infatuations and life situations.

However you have intrigued me.

Karen told me once "people are drawn to you". That was the day you first smiled at me in the hall way. I don't know why. I had never met you. I wrote it off as being no big deal. I had seen many faces throughout those 3 weeks.

But then we always had to go to the services early and you'd be setting up and I'd watch you and your eyes follow me around. From over by the corner where we all sat during the service. Or in the back on the bleachers. During the sermon you got up and walked to the back and I remember occasionally looking back wondering what you were doing. Immediately I was disinterested in your lack of expressions. I judged you for being dull and uncharacteristic.

However the next day I would look at you and become overwhelmed with your humility and humbleness. I shouldn't have judged. Especially since my judgements were wrong. You stood out as being more like Jesus than anyone I had ever seen before. And I have yet to truely meet you.

Your popularity made it easy to figure out who you were. This only made you appeal to me more. This is both good and bad, for I began idolizing the fame you were embarking upon. While so obviously you could care less. Your sole goal was for Jesus' attention.

3 weeks later God broke me apart. My pride, earthly longings were rapidly diminishing. The dreams, goals and plans I thought I had made with God as the main focus were revealed as being completely geared towards my own self admiration. I was destroyed. I knew I would be sent away and was crushed.

I sat outside on the pavement crying and holding my cell phone as though it would ring and all my problems would be solved. I had been crying a good 15 minutes. Then you walked by, not saying a word, just smiled.

This past year I've been forced into a season of waiting and patience straight out of a season of intence revelation and growth. Dryness had not been an issue. I had the creator of the universe motivating me to righteousness.

Every word you have spoken has clarified God a little bit more in my life. Your words bring deep revelation. I am ultimately grateful.

God is so good to me. He has blessed me and given me opportunity. I want Jesus more than anything! I'm sorry that I hurt you.