Small change

It's not my ideal to have thoughts towards anything or anyone (beyond the love thy neighbor as thy self commandment) other than God. But being human and ... a girl... it comes about that I have been thrown into a roller coaster ride of inevitable thoughts and feelings. The more disregard I have towards these emotions, the more persistent they become and I have figured out that there is no escaping such things and I am doomed (or blessed, which ever one beholds) to except the fate of not avoiding the so-called source of such feelings. In essence... I've met a guy who changes everything...

This is against my once thought better judgement. I remember expressing to Derek Loux multiple times in previous life group meetings that I was rather fond of St. Paul's advice to remain just as you are in the Corinthians. Although this was well forced into my mind by intentional efforts, my heart constantly pulled me in the opposite direction. Which consisted of prospectively desiring a family of my own and a outrageous love for children. I find myself at a weakness of maintaining any sort of focus upon anything when a baby is around displaying the joy of the Lord with a smile. Thus being said my hardened heart to the even mention of being in a relationship, due to past pain in this area, is completely disrupted and I find myself some what vulnerable to feelings and emotions. This is a slam to my own (thought to be) personal strength towards this topic, and a weakness I am not yet pleased to boast in.

But I'm not anymore against the idea, so I'm sorry to my friends whom I have given difficult times about even contemplating relationships. :) I feel your pain. However this does not change my standards or pre-set bounderies. I just feel more vulnerable to the possibility of it maybe happening, yes. However I have determined it would have to be completely God orchestrated and also solely purposed to bring more closeness with God. For the fact that the only reason I would want a relationship on earth, is to get deeper revelation of the marriage between Jesus and the church. It's all about getting closer to God.

That being said, I praise God that there is indeed no charge for awesomeness, or attractiveness... :)