Demetri Martin

A drunk drivers very dangerous, everyone knows that... But so is a drunk back seat driver if he's persuasive.
"Dude make a left"
"Those are trees"
"Trust me"

To me swimming is a confusing sport. Because sometimes you do it for fun. And sometimes you do it to not die.

I like parties, but I don't like pinatas. Because pinatas promotes violence against flamboyant animals.

I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen.
And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter.
And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry.
And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.

I think it's interesting that cologne rhymes with alone.

One time I was riding an escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.

I think employee of the month is a good example of when a person can be a loser and a winner at the same time.

I was at a party the other night, and I saw a guy wearing a leather jacket. and I thought "that is cool. Like 10 minutes later, I saw a guy wearing a leather vest. and I thought "that is not cool". And that's when I realized cool is all about leather sleeves.

About a month ago I got a cactus. and a week later, it died. And I got really depressed and was like .... I am less nurturing than a desert.

A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a short cut. It's like a little sign that says "hey, lets never hang out".

I like fruit baskets. Because a fruit basket enables you to mail someone fruit without appearing insane. If you just mail somebody some apples they're like "what is this?!?" But if you put those apples in a basket they're like "this is nice!"

I like Frisbees. A Frisbee is the only object you can throw at a stranger and hit them and its okay.

I want to make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces and when you finish it, it says "go outside"